CITIZEN JAMES

"CITIZEN JAMES"
A Treatment of an Original Screenplay
By
Dan Culberson
FIFTH DRAFT
June 11, 1991





This film will be in black-and-white, about three-to-four minutes long, produced on a budget of about $5,000, and will be distributed to film festivals around the country, as well as distributed to various outlets for possible showings on national cable systems.

The film is a spoof of both CITIZEN KANE and the story of Jim Morrison and The Doors.

The film will look like this:

"ACT I"

 

As we FADE UP FROM BLACK, we hear ominous music reminiscent from CITIZEN KANE and see a blatant rip-off of the opening montage of slow fades from one shot to the next of a large mansion at night, one angle to another, but each shot has a light shining in the same bathroom window, and that LIGHT OCCUPIES THE SAME SPOT ON THE SCREEN FROM ONE SHOT TO THE NEXT.

 

After the last still shot, WE ENTER THE ILLUMINATED BATHROOM and WE HEAR ROCK MUSIC by The Windows PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND as the CAMERA RISES FROM THE FLOOR and PEDESTALS UP, showing an old bathtub. As the CAMERA RISES ABOVE THE RIM OF THE BATHTUB, WE SEE A YOUNG, BEARDED, CHUBBY MAN lying in the water, zonked out by either alcohol or drugs or both.

He is holding a rubber duck in his hand. WE SEE A CLOSEUP OF HIS MOUTH and his sensuous lips, and the young man whispers what appears to be "Rosebud ... "

WE SEE THE RUBBER DUCK FALL IN SLOW MOTION TO THE FLOOR of the bathroom, and FROM A LOW ANGLE WITH THE DUCK IN THE FOREGROUND WE SEE AN ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN ENTER the bathroom and STAND IN THE DOORWAY WITH THE LIGHT BEHIND HER.

She expresses shock and surprise at seeing the dead man.

PAMELA: "Jim? Did you say something? Jim? JIM!"

"ACT II"

CUT TO ROCUMENTARY on the life of JAMES RANDOLPH KANE, lead singer, poet, and founder of The Windows, one of the most influential rock bands of the Sixties. WE SEE FOOTAGE of Jim singing in concert, playing with other members of the band, flirting with women, threatening to expose himself, and being surly with his girlfriend and the CAMERA as WE HEAR VOICE-OVER NARRATION, such as we might hear on "Entertainment Tonight."

ANNOUNCER: "New evidence has just come to light on the death in 1971 of James Randolph Kane, who supposedly died of heart failure at the age of 27. Jim was the lead singer and founder of The Windows, the successful Sixties band with such hits as 'Look on Through,' 'People Are Weird,' and 'Walkers in the Rain.'

"PAMELA ANDERSON, Jim's common-law lover, found his body, which was flown to a mysterious location and buried before an autopsy could be performed. Naturally, this caused rumors that Jim was still alive and hiding out in Africa or Nashville to write poetry and collect royalties.

"Well, in a new book, MY LIFE AS A WINDOW WATCHER, Pamela has revealed that she heard Jim say 'Rosebud' just before he died, which is prompting new rumors about the death of the famous rock star."

CUT TO STUDIO as WE SEE a TELEVISION EXECUTIVE talking to a REPORTER after viewing the rocumentary.

TV EXECUTIVE: "This is great! This is CITIZEN KANE all over again. I want you to get out there and find out what Jim meant by 'Rosebud.' Talk to his family. Talk to the rest of The Windows. Talk to his friends, his enemies, his lovers. Talk to his other lovers. We'll make a million."

"ACT III"

WE SEE A SERIES OF INTERVIEWS with DIFFERENT PEOPLE, each one suggesting what Jim's final word meant, as they are identified for the camera.

"PAMELA ANDERSON, Jim's Common-Law Lover": "Well, you know, Jim was very much interested in Indians. I think he was referring to the Rosebud reservation, where Jim always wanted to live when he got out of the music business. But, I don't think it's true that he's still alive and living at Rosebud as an Indian. I'm sure he would have contacted me by now ... "

SHE STARTS TO CRY.

ANDERSON: "I'm sorry. I'm too broken up to talk anymore.

"RAY MANISCHEWITZ, Keyboardist for The Windows": "Jim and I met in film school, you know, and I'm convinced he was just referring to that great film, CITIZEN KANE, because Jim always wanted to make movies, himself. Also, you know, Jim was born and raised in Florida, and I'm sure he never even had a snow sled. Oh! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to give away the ending."

"ROSE KENNEALY, Jim's Mistress (Only One of Them)": "Jim didn't say 'Rosebud.' He said 'Rose's butt.' He always said that I had the nicest ass in the business. He was just thinking of me when he died, not that slut he was living with. I'm proud of that, and my new book, KISS MY ASS, is going to reveal everything."

"STANDING BEAR, Jim's Indian and Spritual Advisor": "I was with Jim in spirit when he went to the Happy Hunting Ground. You know that Jim was unhappy and had gained a lot of weight toward the end. Well, Jim was just thinking about dinner that night.  What he really said was 'roast duck.'" Here's the menu from his favorite restaurant to prove it."

"STEVE COPPEL, Video Store Manager": "I have no idea what it means, but, considering all the movies that have been made, I'll bet you could find the answer somewhere in here. Did I mention that we're running a sale today?"

CAMERA DOLLIES OUT and TRUCKS AIMLESSLY THROUGH RACKS OF TAPES UNTIL IT COMES TO THE "ADULT MOVIES" SECTION. It ZOOMS IN to a particular tape, and we see the cover, which says "ROSEBUD Does Deadwood/The Indian Maid Who Made Custer's Last Stand the Night before Custer's Last Stand!" and the CAMERA PANS DOWN the cover to the words "Introducing Jimmy Kane as the Horniest Brave with the Biggest Horn at the Little Big Horn!" as the CREDITS START TO ROLL, after which WE FADE TO BLACK.

 

THE END

The History of Humanity

THE HISTORY OF HUMANITY
by Dan Culberson
(C) 1995

 



I'll tell you something.

Liberals are "not narrow in opinion or judgment." Conservatives are "disposed to maintain existing views, conditions or institutions."

Liberals were curious. Conservatives were not.

Liberals climbed down from the trees and ventured out onto the dangerous plains. Conservatives stayed in the forests where they were safe.

Liberals discovered how to cultivate crops for a steady supply of food. Conservatives tried to remain hunters and gatherers, which had worked in the past.

Liberals created stories and myths. Conservatives believed the myths were true.

Liberals saw the need for a set of rules so society could function. Conservatives saw rules as a way to get others to act like them.

Liberals ventured far from home to discover new worlds. Conservatives stayed home and managed their day-to-day affairs.

Liberals discovered new lands and civilizations. Conservatives followed to convert savages to Christianity.

Liberals settled the New World to begin a new life. Conservatives stayed in the Old World where they were comfortable.

Liberals had vision and dreams of what might be. Conservatives had memories and dreams of what had been.

Liberals dealt with ideas. Conservatives dealt with rules.

Liberals wanted to change society for the better. Conservatives wanted to keep the status quo at all costs.

Liberals became workers and Democrats. Conservatives became business owners and Republicans.

Liberals acquired knowledge. Conservatives acquired wealth.

Liberals went to war. Conservatives waged war.

Liberals asked questions. Conservatives gave answers.

Liberals fought for women to get the vote. Conservatives fought to keep women home, barefoot and pregnant.

Liberals made new discoveries in science and technology. Conservatives bought and sold products created from discoveries.

Liberals went to Hollywood and created the motion-picture industry. Conservatives stayed home, went to the movies and complained about Hollywood.

Liberals wrote ground-breaking erotic works of art. Conservatives banned them in Boston.

Liberals embraced the Theory of Evolution. Conservatives condemned it and created "monkey trials."

Liberals were open to other nations and cultures. Conservatives created isolationism.

Liberals encouraged sex education in schools. Conservatives forbade it.

Liberals believed in the equality of people. Conservatives created apartheid and "separate but equal" laws.

Liberals became newspaper reporters. Conservatives became newspaper publishers.

Liberals in the form of 60,000 authors, actors, painters and musicians emigrated from Germany. Conservatives stayed behind and sent over 6,000,000 people to concentration camps.

Liberals wrote books. Conservatives burned them.
\
Liberals developed the atomic bomb. Conservatives used it.

Liberals became beatniks. Conservatives ridiculed them.

Liberals created rock 'n' roll. Conservatives destroyed records.

Liberals became "freedom riders" and fought for civil rights. Conservatives supported the Ku Klux Klan and fought to preserve racism.

Liberals became hippies and questioned all authority and the Vietnam war. Conservatives derided hippies and supported all authority and the Vietnam war.

Liberals promoted peace and love. Conservatives promoted war and hate.

Liberals went to Woodstock for three days of fun and music. Conservatives tried to ban sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll.

Liberals watched "Laugh-In" and "The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour." Conservatives watched "Marcus Welby, M.D." and kicked the Smothers Brothers off the air.

Liberals took to the streets and protested against the Vietnam war. Conservatives beat up the protesters and killed them at Kent State.

Liberals think young. Conservatives want everything to be like it was when they were young.

Liberals create fashion. Conservatives are slaves to fashion.

Liberals are concerned about content and form. Conservatives are afraid of content and embarrassed by form.

Liberals believe the means justify the end. Conservatives believe the end justifies the means.

Liberals believe everyone is equal. Conservatives believe they are better than others.

Liberals are open-minded about sexuality and erotica. Conservatives are close-minded and embarrassed by sexuality and erotica.

Liberals believe knowledge is power. Conservatives believe knowledge is dangerous.

Liberals are proud to be different. Conservatives are afraid to be different.

Liberals forgive. Conservatives forget.

Liberals want to create the future. Conservatives want to re-create the past.

Liberals talk about rights and wrongs. Conservatives talk about rights and lefts.

Liberals try to discover new ways to make things work. Conservatives keep trying to make the old ways work.

Liberals want people to think for themselves. Conservatives want people to think the way conservatives do.

Liberals mourn the loss of an idea. Conservatives mourn the loss of a privilege.

Liberals trust in people. Conservatives trust in God.

Liberals are brave, self-confident and willing to take chances. Conservatives are cowardly, insecure and afraid to take chances.

Liberals would rather change than die. Conservatives would rather die than change.

That's the history of humanity.

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