The History of Humanity

Here's what gets me.

Liberals are "not narrow in opinion or judgment." Conservatives are "disposed to maintain existing views, conditions or institutions."

Liberals were curious. Conservatives were not.

Liberals climbed down from the trees and ventured onto the dangerous plains. Conservatives stayed in the forests and remained safe.

Liberals discovered how to cultivate crops for steady supplies of food. Conservatives tried to remain hunters and gatherers, which had worked in the past.

Liberals created stories and myths. Conservatives believed the myths were true.

Liberals saw the need for a set of rules so society could function. Conservatives saw rules as a way to get others to act like them.

Liberals ventured far from home to discover new worlds. Conservatives stayed home and managed their day-to-day affairs.

Liberals discovered new lands and civilizations. Conservatives followed to convert savages to Christianity.

Liberals settled the New World to begin a new life. Conservatives stayed in the Old World where they were comfortable.

Liberals had vision and dreams of what might be. Conservatives had memories and dreams of what had been.

Liberals dealt with ideas. Conservatives dealt with rules.

Liberals wanted to change society for the better. Conservatives wanted to keep the status quo at all costs.

Liberals became workers and Democrats. Conservatives became business owners and Republicans.

Liberals acquired knowledge. Conservatives acquired wealth.

Liberals went to war. Conservatives waged war.

Liberals asked questions. Conservatives gave answers.

Liberals fought for women to get the vote. Conservatives fought to keep women home, barefoot and pregnant.

Liberals made new discoveries in science and technology. Conservatives bought and sold products created from discoveries.

Liberals went to Hollywood and created the motion-picture industry. Conservatives stayed home, went to the movies and complained about Hollywood.

Liberals wrote ground-breaking erotic works of art. Conservatives banned them in Boston.

Liberals embraced the Theory of Evolution. Conservatives condemned it and created "monkey trials."

Liberals were open to other nations and cultures. Conservatives created isolationism.

Liberals encouraged sex education in schools. Conservatives forbade it.

Liberals believed in the equality of people. Conservatives created apartheid and "separate but equal" laws.

Liberals became newspaper reporters. Conservatives became newspaper publishers.

Liberals in the form of 60,000 authors, actors, painters and musicians emigrated from Germany. Conservatives stayed behind and sent over 6,000,000 people to concentration camps.

Liberals wrote books. Conservatives burned them.

Liberals developed the atomic bomb. Conservatives used it.

Liberals became beatniks. Conservatives ridiculed them.

Liberals created rock 'n' roll. Conservatives destroyed records.

Liberals became "freedom riders" and fought for civil rights. Conservatives supported the Ku Klux Klan and fought to preserve racism.

Liberals became hippies and questioned all authority and the Vietnam war. Conservatives derided hippies and supported all authority and the Vietnam war.

Liberals promoted peace and love. Conservatives promoted war and hate.

Liberals went to Woodstock for three days of fun and music. Conservatives tried to ban sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll.

Liberals watched "Laugh-In" and "The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour." Conservatives watched "Marcus Welby, M.D." and kicked the Smothers Brothers off the air.

Liberals took to the streets and protested against the Vietnam war. Conservatives beat up the protesters and killed them at Kent State.

Liberals think young. Conservatives want everything to be like it was when they were young.

Liberals create fashion. Conservatives are slaves to fashion.

Liberals are concerned about content and form. Conservatives are afraid of content and embarrassed by form.

Liberals believe the means justify the end. Conservatives believe the end justifies the means.

Liberals believe everyone is equal. Conservatives believe they are better than others.

Liberals are open-minded about sexuality and erotica. Conservatives are close-minded and embarrassed by sexuality and erotica.

Liberals believe knowledge is power. Conservatives believe knowledge is dangerous.

Liberals are proud to be different. Conservatives are afraid to be different.

Liberals forgive. Conservatives forget.

Liberals want to create the future. Conservatives want to re-create the past.

Liberals talk about rights and wrongs. Conservatives talk about rights and lefts.

Liberals try to discover new ways to make things work. Conservatives keep trying to make old ways work.

Liberals want people to think for themselves. Conservatives want people to think the way conservatives do.

Liberals mourn the loss of an idea. Conservatives mourn the loss of a privilege.

Liberals trust in people. Conservatives trust in God.

Liberals are brave, self-confident and willing to take chances. Conservatives are cowardly, insecure and afraid to take chances.

Liberals would rather change than die. Conservatives would rather die than change.

That's the history of humanity.

I rest my case.